According to my interwebs today is International Joke Day. In honour of this auspicious occasion I thought I’d share a joke with you. I confess I did not write this particular joke, but heard it so long ago I can’t for the life of me remember who came up with it.
A farmer was sitting on his porch late one afternoon sipping some coffee while watching the little lambs grazing in the pasture next to the house. His reverie was rudely interrupted by a shiny BMW that suddenly pulled up in the front yard, kicking up a cloud of dust. A youngster in a snazzy suit and shoes completely unsuitable for any type of real work jumped from the driver’s seat and walked up to the farmer.
“Good afternoon, sir. I trust I find you well?”
The farmer took the proffered hand and returned the greeting.
“This is a nice operation you have going here,” said the stranger, to which the farmer replied that it kept bread on the table.
“Let me make you a proposal,” continued the man. “If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have on your property, may I have one as a reward?”
The farmer was at first taken aback, but then decided to comply with the request. He had quite a large farm, and he reckoned the chances of the boy guessing correctly were quite slim. He simply nodded his assent.
The guy promptly whipped out a tablet, connected to a satellite and captured some high-resolution images of the farm. These he fed into an image analysing app and a few seconds later he gave the farmer a number.
The farmer couldn’t believe it. The number exactly matched the number of animals on his farm. Graciously he indicated that the young man may select a sheep from the pasture.
The man stepped through the gate and, after studying them for a while, selected an animal and loaded it onto the back seat of his car. The farmer watched him carefully the whole time.
The youngster approached the farmer, hand extended, once more. “A pleasure doing business with you, sir,” he said with a smile.
The farmer shook his hand, but didn’t let go. “Not so quick,” he said, looking the guy in the eye. “If I can tell you what job you do, will you return my animal to me?”
The stranger was visibly taken aback, but realised he couldn’t refuse after the farmer gave him a shot, so he agreed.
“You,” said the farmer without hesitation, “are a consultant.”
“How on earth could you know that?” said the man.
“Easy,” said the farmer. “One, you show up here without an appointment. Two, you require payment to tell me something I already know. And three, it’s obvious you don’t know squat about sheep farming. Now, can I please have my dog back?”
Not funny enough for you? How about this:
Around a month ago I wrote about the new form of political protest in South Africa. There have since been several repeats of the incident, including one where human waste was dumped in Cape Town International Airport. In other countries the police are on the lookout for people carrying bombs and guns. Over here they are vigilant against people carrying poo. On the plus side, you don’t need specially-trained sniffer dogs for this detection job.
On 20 June the police intercepted another group of poo-protesters disembarking a train at Cape Town station. Some of the ringleaders were arrested (and later released on a warning) and the human waste was confiscated to the dismay of its…erm…owners, as “…our faeces didn’t commit any crime.”
I’ve seen it and I still don’t believe it:
Still not amused? Here’s Michael McIntyre with The Man Drawer.
If you’re still not laughing, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re dead. Rest in peace.